Have you heard these?

So I have to say starting out, that I’m not much of beer guy, BUT…have you heard the Bud Lite Real Men of Genious commercials which include the likes of the following;

1. Mr. Fancy Coffee Shop Coffee Pourer
2. Mr. Bumper Sticker Writer
3. Mr. Chinese Food Delivery Guy
4. Mr. Footlong Hot Dog Inventor
5. Mr. Really Bad Toupee Wearer
6. Mr. Giant Foam Finger Maker
7. Mr. Underwear Inspector No. 12
8. Mr. Over The Top Carb Counter
9. Mr. Dishonest Cable TV Hooker Upper
10. Mr. In The Car Nose Picker
11. Mr. Movie Theater Ticket Ripper Upper
12. Mr. Push-up Bra Inventor
13. Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer
14. Mr. Next Day Carpet Installer
15. Mr. Furniture Assembly Manual Writer
16. Mr. Really Stinky Breath Breather Outer
17. Mr. Really, Really, Really Bad Dancer
18. Mr. Cruise Ship Entertainer
19. Mr. Over-Zealous Foul Ball Catcher
20. Mr. Ceremonial First Pitch Thrower Outer

Go to this website and listen to a couple of them. They are hilarious.

http://thefuntimesguide.com/2004/10/bud_light_real.php

Spraining the ankle

I have to say folks…this must be one of the most disgusting things you can do to your body.  Besides dislocating your knee, getting decapitated, and shoving tooth-picks under your finger nails…this has got to be the worst.  It’s probably not the worst FEELING injury, but it’s got to be the nastiest sounding.  I honestly have never heard anything like it before, and I’ve sustained multiple fractures, bruises, cuts, dings, twists, and smashes.  On Friday I was playing basketball at the rec center, and I had been there all of about 15 minutes and absolutely demolished my ankle.  I swear if I had looked down I could have seen the logo on the bottom of my shoe.  Disgusting.  The noise, the feeling, what the other players were saying it looked like.  All disgusting.  But anyhow…it’s already starting to feel a bit better, and I’m hoping to be back up there at the rec throwing down the sky hook on a regular basis.

Around the world in 90 seconds

There’s some funny stuff here, check out the one from Thailand!!

http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/323931/this_is_possible_only_in.swf

SLACKER

slack·er  (slkr)

n.

1. One who shirks work or responsibility: “In terms of their outlook on the future, slackers regard tomorrow with a studied cynicism or . . . don’t even conceive of one” Julie Caniglia.

2. One who tries to evade military service in wartime; a draft dodger.

O.k….o.k…I have been quite the slacker the last week or two.  Of course, the definition in my mind plays off a little more harsh than what I see in myself regarding this blog…BUT…I have been known to dodge a draft or two.  Well, technically I wasn’t born yet, but it could still be seen as draft dodging in some eyes.  I could go making excuses and throw out rediculous reasons as to WHY I have been slacking, like say “I just adopted three German Shepperds, two Pythons, and a tap-dancing Lebanese Orphan.”  Or, “My water broke at the most un-expected time, ruining my weekend of football, basketball, and winter league baseball.” and better yet, ” The steroids left me in a state similar to that of Terry Shaivo, which my friends clearly took advantage of when they buried my laptop in the Northern Sierras.” 

 However, I will choose not to make excuses because as I have been told many a time…”Excuses are like the place where you get hemorrhoids, everybody has one.” 

 So I will apologize to the three of you…well, two of you (I guess I should stop counting myself as a reader), and offer as much thanks as I can for continuing to read my last post about Jeremy Stevens…UGH. 

Hopefully in the near future, I can offer you bigger, BETTER, and MORE HILARIOUS posts that can brighten your day.  BUT WAIT!!  If you act now, you will receive the double set for only fifteen dollars more!!  This is a once in a life-time deal!!  You can’t find this anywhere in the stores, so quick, if you call in the next 10 minutes you will receive your GOLD edition for FREE!!  That’s FREE FOLKS!!  You will get in the mail, the regular edition, double set, and GOLD edition all in one package!!  DON’T pass up this once in a life-time opportunity!!

Call 1-800-I cant believe I am spending money on this crap that I probably won’t get in the mail     

 Prices subject to change in all 50 states, not valid in california, alaska, washington, texas, maine, hawaii, new mexico, jamaica, and any other state not listed in the above, each product has been tested and proven to cause cancer, please be aware that cancer is at limited quantities, and only available while supplies last, given that your credit card will be processed by someone not able to speak english do not expect to be charged the actual amount for the product that you are most likely not to receive. 

Jeremy Stevens

IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE AND MY SWEETEST DREAM AT THE SAME TIME…HE IS KILLING ME!!!!

Long Weekend…

WHAT A WEEKEND!!!!  Thanksgiving was awesome, and so was having a few days off!  I went to my bosses house (my dad’s cousin) and we had the usual of Turkey, Sweet Potatoes, Cranberries, etc.  It was delicious.  I think I ate a little too much and so the combination of an overstuffed stomach and an exaggerated session of catch with the pigskin caused me to try and burp up what remained of my supper.  No need to worry though, I caught it before it came all the way out. 

I want to know some of your high-lights from Thanksgiving!  Any good stories?  Crazy happenings?  Crop circles and Sasquach sightings are always entertaining…but let me know what YOU happened to be most entertained by this weekend.   

Brazil…

So I get a little bit caught up in Sports sometimes, I can’t help it.  Well…maybe I can, but I don’t want to try.  This weekend was a huge weekend all around, if anybody was paying attention.  Ohio State v. Michigan…Chargers v. Broncos…Colts v. Cowboys…McNabb v. Season Ending Injury…Shaun Alexander v. The Grass at Monster Park.  All of these things were very very exciting, and really made the weekend great.  But there was one thing that made it awesome!!  And that was that my mom decided she is going to Brazil to hopefully adopt an orphan brother and sister.  I am not sure all of the details yet, but she will be leaving next week.  I have an adopted sister from Guatamala, and many think that I am adopted because of my rediculous good looks and amazing athletic ability that can’t be found on my mother’s side.  (kidding…) But anyways…she will be leaving soon and hopefuly will return with a really rad little brother for me to mold and form to my liking.  I can’t wait.  

would you take a bullet for……..

PUTNAM, Conn. (Nov. 17) – Two armed thugs tried to rob of line of people waiting to buy the new Playstation 3 gaming console early Friday and shot one who refused to give up the money, authorities said.

The two confronted a “bunch of people who were in line” outside a Wal-Mart  store shortly after 3 a.m. and demanded money, said Lt. J. Paul Vance, a spokesman for the state police. The new Sony consoles are selling for around $500 to $600.

“One of the patron’s resisted. That patron was shot,”

All of this and it’s still not better than XBOX 360. 

Bobby Knight…AKA my hero.

As many of you probably DON’T know, Bobby Knight (easily agitated Texas Tech basketball coach) is in the news again.  During Texas Tech’s game against lowly Gardner Webb, Knight slapped a player in the chin in what was a self proclaimed attempt to raise the player’s confidence.  There has been outrage over this incident, as well as an out-poring of support for the NCAA’s second winning-est coach. 

I can’t say that I know what was being said, or what the player had done.  But there is speculation that Knight was correcting him for mistakes during the game, and when the kid had his head down, he popped him on the chin in order to get him focused and confident again. 

I cannot believe there are so many wussy people in the world that think this is the most horrible thing they have heard since Hiroshima.  Wide-Spread pandemonium over this incident only reflects the wussification of our youth today, and our society as a whole.  It’s getting worse and worse by the second, and I can’t stand it!  Throughout the country the game Tag…you know, the child-hood game that promotes physical activity and the occasional tap on the shoulder,  has been outlawed on many school-grounds.  This would include schools in Boston, MA and shamefully Spokane, WA.  Apparently the reasoning behind this is that too many kids are getting hurt, and it’s a very very dangerous game to be played.  How many children have you heard of taking career enders while playing tag during 3rd recess?  uhhhhhhhh…gee…can’t say I can count too many.  Now how many kids do you know that PLAY tag?  uhhhhhhhh…gee…quite a bit more than the amount that have taken career enders.  i.e head bonks, goose eggs, knee scratches, etc. 

And people wonder why more and more kids have social problems.

GO BOBBY KNIGHT!!!! Don’t listen to the insane critics…  

College Basketball

Since this is the best time of year for me sports-wise, I thought I would offer a little help to those who are less informed. 

To start off, I’ll let you know that college basketball is by far the most passionate and exciting sport in America.  Now you can make a case for college football, and MAYBE some NFL football teams, but in my highly qualified opinion, they just can’t compare to NCAA Basketball. 

So to help any of you out, I will offer my expert  knowledge on your favorite school, and how they will fair in the new season.  You might ask yourself how I could possibly know such things, or where I could find answers to your questions.  Well, it just so happens that I was born with infinate knowledge regarding college sports.  So ask away, and I will answer.  Here is a list of possible questions.

Will my team be good this year?  Who will be the best player?  Will they reach the NCAA Tournament?  How far will they go in the tournament?  Will the new coach be good or bad?  Where did you get so smart?  Etc. 

By the way, I don’t claim to know everything…but pretty close:) 

My theory

Almost always you see the loser of a Super Bowl go on to have a terrible start to the next year, whether it be injuries, fumbles, close games they can’t win, etc.  Meanwhile, the defending champs usually keep it pretty consistent and rack up some good numbers.  These statements I throw at you are based on history, and history only…not my personal beliefs.  So…onward to my theory.

I believe, as seen by the dismal start by the Steelers this year, that they were in fact destined to lose the Super Bowl.  Which would then be followed up by some extremely sub-par football.  As for the Seahawks, they were destined to be crowned “World” Champions and go on to have an above average, however not AMAZING year. 

This could only be undone by one mysterious thing. 

The Refs weren’t throwing penalty flags, they were throwing Terrible Towels handed out by the Steelers faithful.

Some of you may not believe what are reading, seeing as though it’s been forever and a day since the Seahawks got screwed out of shiny new rings, but it’s true!  History shows it, and history never lies. 

P.S; It can be deceiving…but I’m not paying attention. 

UH OH…

So you all probably know by now that the democrats seized control of the house by winning over 200 of the seats.  In case you were wondering, I’m not that happy.  Although I would love to enlighten all of you who have been warped and twisted by liberalism, (most likely from 12 years of sub-par education, and another 4 years of something that can’t really be classified as education…more along the lines of opinionation) I’ll just give you a picture of what the world will be like in I’d say…two weeks. 

P.S; There is an economical pattern that most people don’t realize.  I’ll try to lay it out for you. 

Democrat is elected president, promptly raises taxes.  Less money in my paycheck equals less spending by me the consumer.  Less money spent by me the consumer equals less active economy.  More taxes towards imaginary environmental programs equals bigger government.  All of these things take a few years to develop, and to take hold.  And even more time to reverse (AKA fix). 

Republican president makes office.  Promptly lowers taxes.  More money in my pocket equals more spending by me the consumer.  More spending by me the consumer equals more active economy.  This president spends years trying to build our economy back up (not with superficial “programs” to “boost” the economy, but with tactics that ACTUALLY have an effect) that were demolished by the previous president.  The problem this president faces is that the first half of his term it looks as if he can’t tell the difference between a loan and a loan payment because the economy is so blasted by the last president.  Things finally start to turn around and look good.  Unemployment rates are down (contrary to what some “polls” might show), and people are spending.  But wait, democrats will take control of the house and for the next few years take credit for what this President has accomplished, until they finally ruin it again and blame it on him.  This has happened over the last 18 years…probably longer actually.  But most retards my age don’t seem to notice.  They are more worried about seals being killed in the Arctic than they are about babies being killed half-way out of the womb. 

So sad. 

That was a long P.S 

Man finds prayer letters floating in the ocean

NEWARK, N.J. – A fisherman who found a bag of 300 letters to God — many addressed to a New Jersey minister — floating in the ocean off Atlantic City will give most of them to the late clergyman’s daughter.

Bill Lacovara, an insurance adjuster, found the letters in a shopping bag in the surf under a pier last month. They included everything from a man asking God to let him win the lottery to a teen asking for forgiveness for an abortion.

About 150 of the letters were too damaged by the water to be legible. He placed the remaining ones up for auction on eBay but canceled the auction after more than 25 people pushed the price past $550.

I pray that this guy can forgive himself for not becoming $550 richer.  I mean, I see the principle behind it all

Jet Lag Shortens Life Span of Older Mice

---

If flying to London throws off your body clock for a few days, be happy you’re not a rodent. According to a new study, elderly mice die earlier if they’re exposed to time shifts that replicate the effects of jet lag.While there’s no indication that older humans shorten their lives by flying across time zones or doing shift work, the research does suggest there might be a potential problems, said study co-author Gene Block, a professor of biology at the University of Virginia.

So THIS is where tuition money is going.  I seeeeeeeeeeee…

Emoticons…

Have you seen this things?  If you are as insistent upon living out your life on MSN Instant Messenger as I am…than I’m sure that you have.  Some of the emoticons, for those of you who actually don’t know these are little images or animations you can send to your buddy while chatting, are ridiculously funny…while others are just plain ridiculous.  It’s gotten to the point where you have to BUY the “coolest” new emoticons in order to be hip and actually entertain your friends while talking to them.  I prefer to use my extremely well equipped sense of “Damon humor”, as I call it, to make my closest pals get a good ab workout.  But nevertheless, it seems as though the only cure when a conversation is going downhill…is to revert back to the outlandish row of smileys, crying babies, flowers, and sad faces in order to add a sense of usefulnes to what at that point had become a rather dry point in your day.

P.S; Emoticon can only stem from the word emotion.  Meaning that these are meant to show your emotions through MSN.  But I just think that they were designated for use ONLY by emo kids.  Like that guy who can make his hair do that thing like the guy from that one band. 

A little truth for those of you who are confused.

I am from the North West…Washington that is.  So when I moved down here to the Bay Area, I came with three things on my mind; Sun, The Beach, and more Sun.  I quickly came to the realization that my dreams of paradise and endless sun-bathing were going to be shattered.  I hit sunny skies coming off of Shasta and into the valley, and I thought I was in for a treat.  This is where things get kind of sketchy because, well, I could have sworn when I woke up the next day I heard Mother Nature yell SIKE!!!! (see http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sike&r=f)  And it promptly began to pour from the skies with amounts of liquid that even the Gatorade Rain commercial would be afraid of.  So anyways, I like rain.  I like the smell, I like how it cleans the sky and clears the smog.  But…there is one thing that irks me to no end.  And this one thing is that people outside of Washington all believe that it ONLY rains there.  There is no rush hour, no babies being born, no stocks being sold, no police, no crime, just RAIN.  RAIN RAIN RAIN.  People ask where I’m from…immediately following my answer with a gasp and a smirk while replying “I heard there isn’t a day in Washington where it isn’t raining somewhere”.  Never fails…EVERY person I meet says this.

Well, I am here to tell you…don’t look at weather statistics, scientific “facts”, the ACTUAL weather report, or popular opinion because they are all wrong.  It rains SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more here in San Francisco and the surrounding areas.  In the first three months I lived here, it rained EVERY SINGLE DAY but two!  There was flooding, death, women running around topless, mud slides, NO bridge tolls, and the Raiders won a few(not).  It was even reported that up to 32people had spontaneously combusted.  Unbelievable…simply stunning. 

I miss the sun, I miss the beach, I miss endless sun-bathing…which hasn’t been to easy to come by. 

P.S;  In Seattle there is a lot of Heavy Mist…don’t let it cause confusion between mist and cats and dogs. 

I have a question…

At first I thought this might be a cop-out, or some lame excuse for a “blog”, but now I actually think it could be alright.  There is one prblem though, this is only my second week on WordPress so I really doubt I have that many readers…which could prove to put a damper on this whole idea:)  Oh well, I’m going to give it a shot.  I thought about doing something interactive, that could give anybody and everybody the opportunity to tell me something about THEM.  What more could you ask for since I have already given you my life story, dating back to the days of me being blind and deaf. 

 ANYWAYS…I would like you to simply state the top three coolest places you have travelled in the world, and follow it up with the absolute craziest thing you have seen.  Now, some of you (ahem) Damon, might be a little tempted to exaggerate or slather with sweet substances your travelling stories and/or re-visitations of past unbelievable happenings.  Feel free to NOT do so.     

So I will end this with telling YOU my own answer to the question. 

Travelling – 1.  Barcelona, Spain

                      2.  Paris, France

                      3.  Sandpoint, Idaho (Schweitzer Ski Resort)

Craziest Thing I EVER SAW!

                      1.  The pavement coming at my face going about 45mph…I realize it’s not THAT fast…but when there is a truck coming the other way, it doesn’t look too inviting.  (HONORABLE MENTION – I saw a man pass away when my dad was giving him CPR in my neighborhood…that sucked)…actually…that should technically be my number one, but I’m selfish so it’s not gonna be. 

Can’t believe it…

So this post is coming as I near the end of the work day, something that I have been looking forward to since the moment I woke up this morning.    What I saw on the news this morning was hilarious, but maddening at the same time.  Not so much for the person most affected by the outcome, but for those who just love a good old fashioned “get your lazy butt up and do some work!” verbal beat down. 

Police Chief Paul Goward was tired of looking around his department and seeing blubber hanging over the belts of some of his officers. So he sent out a memo exhorting the “jelly bellies” to shape up(src www.aol.com).  This of course was not something his co-workers and employees found to be too hilarious.  So one of the (I can only presume) more robust and tender men was in fact so hurt and distraught that he took it upon himself to write a letter calling for the resignation of Goward.  It’s the fact that he actually GOT canned or was forced to quit that gets my upper lip snarling and my ears bright red.  Seems at though the Police Chief was just looking out for the well-being of others, and the community.  Here is a snippet of what he wrote…  He said overweight police poorly represent the profession, poop out when chasing suspects and might have to resort to “a higher level of force” if a criminal got the upper hand in a fight. He said out-of-shape cops are a liability to the city and their families.

“Take a good look at yourself,” he wrote. “If you are unfit, do yourself and everyone else a favor. See a professional about a proper diet and a fitness training program, quit smoking, limit alcohol intake and start thinking self-pride, confidence and respectability. And stop making excuses for delaying what you know you should have been doing years ago. We didn’t hire you unfit and we don’t want you working unfit. Don’t mean to offend, this is just straight talk. I owe it to you.”

Yikes people…what is the world coming to when you can’t even try to offer your opinion in an effort to help others without getting ripped apart.

P.S; What’s your favorite flavor Jelly Belly?  Serious question!!   

Oh yeah…and

Here’s my favorite player…he can be a thug sometimes…but he’s still the man. 

Hamma lamma ding dong

O.k…so forget the dialog…just focus on the stache.  I will have you know that recently I decided to fashion a moustache (a real one) after the one that currently occupies the upper lip of my second favorite basketball player.  This moustache that I am sporting even as I TYPE…will be glorious and unforgettable.  Well, for some it could very well be forgettable.  Namely my mother, my girlfriend, and well, anybody that knows me.  But still…I think it is a grand idea.